A Gent's Outlook

A Literary Agent Divulges the TRUTH about Publishing

Sunday, November 19, 2006

If You Knew Judy Like I Knew Judy (or The Greatest Wannabe of All)

…at least in publishing. Ooh, I’ve heard about the Snark/Crusie thing, and I will get to that, but what I am going to post about is so much FUNNER! And so much more important because it proves I’m an agent and you all aren’t. It proves that publishing is not the coochy-coo land all those solicitous, mind-fucking bastards out there sucking off wannabes say that it is. It is my world, my realm, and the lawyers in the O.J. Simpson case, who couldn’t prove his guilt or innocence even when the evidence was handed to them, have proved that I have been right all along about the state of publishing. I just didn’t realize it would come at the lovely hands of one of our very own go-to-it gals—Judy R. at HarperC.

I know Snark’s fans are too wannabe to understand the profundity of this little scandal in the ranks up here where the air is rarified, but us REAL agents are giddy. Kind of like watching someone get caught with her underwear stuck in her pretty little crack. By the way, the theme from “The High and The Mighty” is playing on my Zune right now (snapping fingers to the beat). Eat your heart out, K.N.

Pop quiz question:

All along, Sammy has been:
a. right
b. right
c. right
d. all of the above

Now, you self-righteous nay-sayers; you nefarious ineffective do-gooders; you underachieving, over-reaching, ladder-climbing leeches, who has been right all along? Let’s say it together now:

Sammy was right.

And Sammy still is. Oh, the absolute joy of being able to point out via public example the epitome of all that I have spoken. But why wallow in my glory alone when I can please my darling wannabes—see, a non-writer like me even knows that you have to please someone besides yourself—by giving a quasi-scoop on the most recent poop in publishing?

Oooh, you just can’t wait, can you?

Well, I am afraid you are going to be disappointed, because I am not going to let you in on any secrets I haven’t already alluded to before (Go Annie, You Rock; Note to Oprah and Nan: Go Fuck Yourselves). Anyone who knows Ju-Ju is not surprised at all about this O.J. Simpson book fiasco. Why do you think she convinced the powers that be that she could conquer H-Wood for them, then took her heels and designer clothes and tottered off to the anti-Big Apple? It wasn’t because she wanted to give voice to struggling writers or bring great literature to the world. It is because—and you should know this refrain by now:

She is a wannabe and knows nothing about the industry and she shouldn’t be in it.

Judy, as lovely as she can be, is the ultimate wannabe. And no, she is not one of my exes. I can imagine how she got her start: The corporate robots at HC said one day, “We want to be nothing but a sleazy entertainment entity, beholden to consumers who feed off of the celebrity culture because they have no lives of their own and have not yet decided to write a book themselves. We need someone who loves to feed parasitically off of the attention given to celebrities in Glittertown—movie stars, politicos, sleazy and obnoxious lawyers, etc.—to lead the way. Also, someone who likes having a year-round tan.”

And probably Ju-Ju Bear waved her arm wildly in the air, like those answer-rich nerdy kids in high school I used to teach how to get dates (mainly I told them to quit answering all the fucking questions and stick a sock in their pants—amazingly, it worked). Actually, if I know Judy, she most likely told them the way it was going to be, and the next thing you know Ju-Ju is driving her wagon train West and publishing books by people who are not writers by trade, but cash-cows by circumstance. For our most recent example, the people who are most irate about the O.J. “confession” book are the lawyers who lost the case and are now mentally comparing their advances to his, and probably considering killing a spouse to get a bigger book deal next time. Really, most of the people who are outraged are people who have, at some point, been a part of the case and had a book published already…some of them by Judy. Really. Really, really. There’s some irony for you.

In an interview with Larry King, that very subject came up. When a caller asked the panel (which included the lawyer who represented the Goldmans in the civil trial and an LAPD detective who are both so important that I can’t remember their names, Gloria Allred, Chris Darden, and Rosie Greer) why Judy shouldn’t make money off a book about O.J., by the actual person himself, but they can (with the exception of Rosie Greer, who was there to lend some Samminess to their watchpuppy fanaticism), they only being peripheral to the case and not actually O.J. himself, their excuses ranged from he’s a murderer—even though found innocent in a court of law—and so they have the right to write about it to get their “truth” to as many God-fearing Americans who have $26 to spare as possible—to Chris Darden’s spectacularly ridiculous comment indicating that he deserved it to make up for going to law school and working hard all his life. So, do readers have to somehow compensate all lawyers who failed spectacularly to get a conviction in a supposedly “open and shut” case? Hmmm? I don’t know how they didn’t manage to get Marcia Cross on the panel—maybe she’s too busy with her TV show that resulted from the trial.

And speaking of rationalizing our behavior, Judy, again, wins the award for her statements defending publishing the book. Why couldn’t she have just said, “I want to make money off of celebrities” like I figured she would? Instead, she asserts she did it to vindicate both families and let people know the truth. Pssst, um, Ju-Ju Bear, even a 4th grader can see through that bullshit. In addition, she noted that Hitler’s Mein Kampf is still in print, with publishers making dough off of it, and this is true. But those publishers didn’t call up Hitler and pay him lots of money while he was alive and do an interview with him, although I am sure they would do so today in a heartbeat.

The most moronic thing about the interview is that the lawyer guy who represents Nicole Brown Simpson’s estate and therefore helped the families sue in a civil trial did so supposedly in the interest of the children, who have been living with their father until they went off to school somewhere. So all this was done to get money for O.J. and Nicole’s children, who O.J. has been supporting and giving money to all along. Methinks me smells some rat shit.

Look, I don’t know if the guy offed anyone, and I don’t really care. Oh, well as much as I care about anybody tried for killing his wife and her friend—there are cases like this all over the US every day. But people only cared about the Simpson trial because it had that celebrity angle, being televised on a nauseatingly regular basis, and it offered opportunities for total nobodies—wannabes in the making—to become celebrities. It’s the same reason people go on stupid reality TV shows and eat bug shit. On a side note, I have yet to see a reality TV show where a handsome literary agent has to, in order to win a Porsche, bang a beautiful woman on a keyboard. How is that fair?

The point of this rant is that Ju-Ju, one of the most famous of the group of publishing “gurus” who wouldn’t know an actual book if it bit her on her pretty little ass, is the ultimate wannabe, feeding off the notoriety of others and truly believing that she somehow deserves it. We in publishing all knew this, so no one here is surprised. We just let these types do whatever it is they do and then work deals to our clients’ advantage. Hell yeah, we do. Why not? It’s like taking candy from a baby, and fine-looking baby at that. Their books are like mental blowjobs, and their effects last about as long, leaving the reader wanting more and being willing to pay for it over and over again. You’re better off to buy the solar battery-powered Jolie-Lips 2000 for $49.95 from Sex Toys, Inc.

The bottom line is this is what publishing has become, plain and simple. It’s about money, not literary quality, and it’s certainly not the world the solicitous know-it-alls perpetuate. As I have mentioned before, I know how to work within that world to get good stuff past the morons, the parasites, the dipshits, the corporate flunkies, the senior editor's mistress, the mailroom snot- turned- marketing genius, and, yes, even lovely celebrity-obsessed wannabes. Good agents understand this. Or should I say that real publishing industry professionals understand this?

But you would know that, if you knew Judy like I know Judy.

Oh, what a gal!

6 Comments:

  • At 3:48 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Monday, Nov. 20, 2006
    O.J. Simpson Book, TV Special Canceled


    NEW YORK (AP) - After a firestorm of criticism, News. Corp. said Monday that it has canceled the O.J. Simpson book and TV special ``If I Did It.''

    ``I and senior management agree with the American public that this was an ill-considered project,'' said Rupert Murdoch, News Corp. chairman. ``We are sorry for any pain that this has caused the families of Ron Goldman and Nicole Brown Simpson.''

     
  • At 10:54 PM, Blogger Zappadong said…

    Sammy,

    What's "Funner" about this sick story?

    Why does the mistake of someone in your business proof that you are an agent? (And am I one, too, because I would never ever have gone anywhere near O.J?)

    What pills are you on?

    Z.

     
  • At 2:07 AM, Anonymous eggs said…

    Zappadong said:

    :"What's 'funner' about this sick story?"

    Ever taken a class on reading for comprehension, Z? You should, they're funner as all hell.

    I don't get why you have such a hard on over whether or not Sammy's a Real Agent? It's actually barely relevent to enjoying his blog. And if you don't enjoy the content, why are you even reading him?

    This blog is about hate. Sammy hates his job, he hates authors, he hates everyone who reads and comments on his blog, and it's pretty much a lock-in that he hates you. So why pander to his ego by driving up his comments log?

    eggs.

     
  • At 11:21 AM, Anonymous Zappadong said…

    Eggs, Im' having a real good time reading this blog. I enjoy the content, I enjoy the way it's written. It's one of the funniest blogs I've ever seen. And it's so pink. And you're right, I should start praising Sammy for teaching me - as a non native English speaker - a lot of rude and abusive language, and - as a freebee - swearing on world champion level.

    Z.

     
  • At 5:16 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sammy, is it an indication that I hate myself if every time I see you talking about "banging" some woman on your keyboard, I get turned on?

     
  • At 12:53 AM, Anonymous eggs said…

    Z, I too have pondered the pink thing. I assume it has something to do with Sammy's mother issues. He likes to wrap his hate up in a nice, soft, welcoming package. I'm sure he does this with his own personality too - that would explain how he got - and lost - all those wives.

    eggs.

     

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