A Gent's Outlook

A Literary Agent Divulges the TRUTH about Publishing

Friday, October 27, 2006

He Who Laughs Last, Laughs at the Rest of You Fucking Morons

Oh my God! I can’t stop laughing. The fates are conspiring to kill me with mirth. I haven’t guffawed this much since Bush got elected. Gimme a minute to catch my breath, would ya?

deep breaths
deep breaths
giggle
snort
deep brea…

Aah, to hell with it. I’m just going to type while I’m snorting my libation out my nose. So what if you wankers have to read typos? So what if I have to buy yet another keyboard? It’s worth it.

gulping for air
snorting
laughter

Okay, I’m composed now. At least enough to compose for my beloved wannabes (I hope you recognize the sarcasm there). I just got an e-mail from which I would like to share an excerpt with you…

You are so stupid Sammy! Like we all don’t know that your part of this IILAA group. Your just a pathertic scammer like the rest of them. It's probly your idea. Asshole!

So I get on this site and read about this new agent organization for "independent agents" who are pro-fees and against watchdog groups, which, of course, has all the usual suspects grabbing their bunched undies out of their collective self-righteous cracks. And now I can’t stop laughing. This has made my day, folks, just made my day. Can none of you see the ridiculousness of all of this? Probably not. You haven’t seen through the smoke and mirrors that is the fantasy (no pun intended) promoted by watch puppies and thoroughly useless and talentless members of the rapidly disappearing publishing community.

Wannabes only see what they want to see…

But I digress. Here’s a little quiz for the loyal readers of my blog who should know by now exactly why I couldn’t be a part of this quaint little effort, as much fun as it would be.

Quiz

1. Sammy doesn’t do which of the following?
a. work/play in groups (that incident with Angelique at my friend’s wedding reception doesn’t count. For one thing, I don’t know where the midget came from, and for another, technically, that makes it a ménage a trios, not a group)
b. lower himself to deal with agents/writers/editors, etc., who crawl around in the lower echelons of some mythical publishing world promoted by the watchpuppies and the scammers and the wannabes and the pathetically young editors who don’t know any better and Oprah
c. Call reimbursements “fees” (You idiots—there’s a difference)
d. All of the above

2. Sammy has said which of the following?
a. The relationships of the watch puppies and scammers and anonymous bloggers and writers groups are more incestuous than Oedipus and Lolita ever thought of being. In the last case, just as creepy, too.
b. If somebody in the publishing world, including published writers who wallow in their own glory, says that he is trying to protect poor wittle wannabes, translate that to mean “feed off your worship.”
c. Snark will ultimately prove that everything on this blog is true and that the whole racket is geared toward getting a book deal. She and her “friends” (and if you haven’t figured this whole set of weirdos and their relationships out yet, you are either really naïve or just plain stupid) are the epitome of that which wannabes have been programmed to fear. Oh, the irony.
d. All of the above.

3. Wannabes
a. Suck the life out of publishing
b. Suck the life out of publishing
c. Suck the life out of publishing
d. All of the above

4. Sammy charges…
a. A super large reading fee
b. For sex
c. For advice to wannabes on whether they have a life or not.
d. a only, but b is viable based on feedback from willing participants in a study done in Sammy’s bedroom, Sammy’s bathroom, Sammy’s kitchen, on Sammy’s computer desk, and at the zoo (don’t ask).


5. Sammy loves…
a. to see two groups of idiots who have no idea what really goes on in the entertainment field battling it out for the love and adoration of a group of emotionally needy, life-lacking, zombie-like, immature, probably overly conservative and horny mailbox watchin’ wannabes.
b. working in LA and NYC (coast to coast nook) and a good glass of California wine
c. knowing that as the publishing-as-we-know-it apocalypse looms, there will still be a scramble among those who think they know what is going on to convince their now angry believers they weren’t full of shit all along. I want popcorn for that movie.
d. All of the above

6. Sammy likes to spend his time…
a. making love, not war
b. venting on his blog when he’s not getting laid or selling something
c. waiting for the day when the whole damn literary system as we know it (or in most cases, as people think they know it) folds up and goes away, and all the newbies find some other hobby to keep them from focusing on their sad, miserable lives, allowing publishing to be reborn and progress without all the sludge clogging the pipelines. Maybe blogging. Or porn.
d. All of the above, and happily

7. Scenario: Sammy meets a beautiful woman who says her name is Sasha at a party given by a close friend and they hit it off immediately. He takes her back to his place, and they have a little wine and make a little small talk before heading to the computer desk. Suddenly, in the midst getting down to business (Psst, dum-dums, I mean s-e-x), Sasha pulls away and, breathing heavily, says, “Sammy, I haven’t been honest with you. I really like you, and I think you should know that I am really a man.” Sammy’s reaction is…
a. At least he’s not a wannabe.
b. Dave? Is that you?
c. Really, Snark, you’re a lot more feminine than you give yourself credit for.
d. All of the above

Score: Here are the answers, for you reprobates who honestly can’t figure it out. They are all d, as in dumbfucks.

I think I will go start my own little organization, of which I will be the only full member. I will have lots of associate members, whose dues will keep me afloat (hey, that’s how writer’s organizations all work, isn’t it? Writer’s conferences, too. Or anything with the word “writer” in it, for that matter). It will be called Sammy’s Fully-satisfied Women’s Association, and we will have a Canon of Ethics and a section on our website with names of men who haven’t satisfied women lately. Of course, I will take complaints from members and tell my followers that I help the FBI track down low-lifes who promise and then don’t deliver orgasms. Wow, what a concept. I have to go now. I think I need to work on a logo. And a theme song!

Heh heh heh.--Sammy

11 Comments:

  • At 12:55 PM, Anonymous Cleo said…

    Oh sammy, baby, I've needed this! What a hoot! Have you seen Snark's take on IILAA? She denounces their section on what agents do by describing her busy day, but she never mentions the fact that truly busy agents don't have time for ANONYMOUS BLOGS! Then her commenters say stupid things, too. One even admits to looking at the site at work! I bet her employers love her. But that's what wannabes do--they sacrifice other peoples' resources for their aspiring grand careers. Sad.
    Thanks, Sammy, for a little sanity in this stupid industry filled with stupid people.--Cleo

     
  • At 4:08 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Hell, Sammy, you're just as anonymous as Snark. SAMMY WHO? What the fuck you hidin' for?
    If you're the be-all end-all literary agent of agents, yada, yada and yada, show yourself!

    Let's really have some fun with this.

     
  • At 5:50 PM, Blogger Mrs. Brain Bomb said…

    I don't particularly mind Miss Snark's blog. If what you say turns out to be true, about the book deal being the goal, then I will gladly come back over here and bend over the keyboard.

     
  • At 8:02 PM, Blogger Dave Kuzminski said…

    "Someone should start an agency and call it something like Scammers International Literary Agency." --SammyK

    Really, Sammy, is the IILAA the best you could form on such short notice? By the way, your Top Ten list only has nine names on it. I think you forgot to put yours there.

     
  • At 8:27 AM, Blogger Zappadong said…

    Why is it, I cannot take this blog seriously? I tell you: It's the language. It's rude, it lacks respect, it's just bitter swearing at the world (and there's absolutely nothing funny about it). Man, you must carry a lot of hatred and bitterness in you.

    For an "agent", you've simple chosen the wrong language. Everybody can yell a "fuck you, morons!"; to be witty and entertaining it needs a trifle more. I'm afraid, you just sound like a little boy who didn't get the bike he wanted.

    Hardly ever have I seen that much lack in style.

    PS: Maybe that's the "American" style, and I'm just a European ignorant who got it all wrong.

    Z.

     
  • At 6:10 PM, Anonymous Queeny said…

    Um, Z., I don't think you "get" Sammy. Are you an unpublished writer? I bet you are!

    Respect? When did Sammy say he respected wannabes? Never.

    But he does respect talent, at least that's what I get from his rants. And I respect someone who stands up to the status quo and says, "Fuck you!" to people who drain everything good out of the system just because they want to be a part of it.--Queeny

     
  • At 6:16 PM, Anonymous Lenora1123 said…

    What are you guys going to do if you find out that Sammy is legit, and that, ultimately, he is right about your little group of creepy weirdos? Even I can see the connections between the names that show up on different sites all the time--and it is weird.
    What are you going to do if you find out he's been telling the truth all along? What if he's right and you're all wrong? Have all us writers been living in some delusion? Could the watchdogs and forums have helped us by being more realistic?

    Being a wannabe myself, I am angry and Sammy pisses me off, but curious as hell.

     
  • At 11:35 PM, Blogger Zappadong said…

    Dear Queenie

    Sorry to disapoint you.

    I've got an agent (warm-hearted, caring, witty, intelligent and hard-working). He got me a contract with one of Germany's biggest publishers (www.thienemann.de). My first book will be published early 2007, everthing's ready and set for take-off; I've just signed contracts for two more books and I have actually already earnt some money as a writer (no, I'm not paying to be published).

    I'm working together with a wonderful editor, have met other people from the publishing company, all of them very nice.

    And to disapoint you even more:

    I'm one of these 40 something wannabe writer mums, who only took up writing again after their kids were a bit older. Even if I do work very hard on my writing, I have not spent my whole life writing, acutally, only started working on it seriously four or five years ago - and still, I've made it. Just as some of my fellow writers, who only hit it big after they turned 40.

    Ah, life is just not fair, is it? These wannabes are actually getting somewhere. Darn.

    Z.

     
  • At 12:01 AM, Blogger Zappadong said…

    PS: I'm also part of a very little publishing company, run by writers who would like to publish high quality books (www.skalding.de). We have only just started and are still looking for THE manuscript, which is not as easy as some people think. Yes, I do get to see a lot of bad writing, I do get to see very odd query letters, I do get first pages that just don't make sense, I do get desperate at times and think that some people should actually take up knitting and stop writing - but I would never ever talk about or to these writeres the way Sammy does. Business is also about respect. No matter whether you deal with professionals or your so-called "wannabes" (I would never call anyone a "wannabe").

    Z.

     
  • At 2:57 AM, Anonymous Cleo said…

    Me thinks, Z., that thou protests too much. Are you one of those published wannabes that Sammy always talks about? Wannabe is a mindset, and you are shaping up as its poster girl.

    Maybe you should read the rest of his blog before you spout off about business etiquette.--Cleo

     
  • At 3:46 AM, Blogger Zappadong said…

    Dear Cleo

    If you so desperately want me to say it: "YES, I'm a published wannabe." (Aren't we all wannabes when we set out? People with a dream, finding their way in the business?)

    I'm not hot on being a poster girl (there are people who look by far better than I do), but if you'd like me to be poster girl - okay, fine with me. Do I care? Do you feel better now? I guess the answer to both questions is - NO.

    Who needs Sammy's respect (does he know what that is?) when they can have it from their agent, publisher and readers?

    Z.

     

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