A Gent's Outlook

A Literary Agent Divulges the TRUTH about Publishing

Friday, October 27, 2006

He Who Laughs Last, Laughs at the Rest of You Fucking Morons

Oh my God! I can’t stop laughing. The fates are conspiring to kill me with mirth. I haven’t guffawed this much since Bush got elected. Gimme a minute to catch my breath, would ya?

deep breaths
deep breaths
giggle
snort
deep brea…

Aah, to hell with it. I’m just going to type while I’m snorting my libation out my nose. So what if you wankers have to read typos? So what if I have to buy yet another keyboard? It’s worth it.

gulping for air
snorting
laughter

Okay, I’m composed now. At least enough to compose for my beloved wannabes (I hope you recognize the sarcasm there). I just got an e-mail from which I would like to share an excerpt with you…

You are so stupid Sammy! Like we all don’t know that your part of this IILAA group. Your just a pathertic scammer like the rest of them. It's probly your idea. Asshole!

So I get on this site and read about this new agent organization for "independent agents" who are pro-fees and against watchdog groups, which, of course, has all the usual suspects grabbing their bunched undies out of their collective self-righteous cracks. And now I can’t stop laughing. This has made my day, folks, just made my day. Can none of you see the ridiculousness of all of this? Probably not. You haven’t seen through the smoke and mirrors that is the fantasy (no pun intended) promoted by watch puppies and thoroughly useless and talentless members of the rapidly disappearing publishing community.

Wannabes only see what they want to see…

But I digress. Here’s a little quiz for the loyal readers of my blog who should know by now exactly why I couldn’t be a part of this quaint little effort, as much fun as it would be.

Quiz

1. Sammy doesn’t do which of the following?
a. work/play in groups (that incident with Angelique at my friend’s wedding reception doesn’t count. For one thing, I don’t know where the midget came from, and for another, technically, that makes it a ménage a trios, not a group)
b. lower himself to deal with agents/writers/editors, etc., who crawl around in the lower echelons of some mythical publishing world promoted by the watchpuppies and the scammers and the wannabes and the pathetically young editors who don’t know any better and Oprah
c. Call reimbursements “fees” (You idiots—there’s a difference)
d. All of the above

2. Sammy has said which of the following?
a. The relationships of the watch puppies and scammers and anonymous bloggers and writers groups are more incestuous than Oedipus and Lolita ever thought of being. In the last case, just as creepy, too.
b. If somebody in the publishing world, including published writers who wallow in their own glory, says that he is trying to protect poor wittle wannabes, translate that to mean “feed off your worship.”
c. Snark will ultimately prove that everything on this blog is true and that the whole racket is geared toward getting a book deal. She and her “friends” (and if you haven’t figured this whole set of weirdos and their relationships out yet, you are either really naïve or just plain stupid) are the epitome of that which wannabes have been programmed to fear. Oh, the irony.
d. All of the above.

3. Wannabes
a. Suck the life out of publishing
b. Suck the life out of publishing
c. Suck the life out of publishing
d. All of the above

4. Sammy charges…
a. A super large reading fee
b. For sex
c. For advice to wannabes on whether they have a life or not.
d. a only, but b is viable based on feedback from willing participants in a study done in Sammy’s bedroom, Sammy’s bathroom, Sammy’s kitchen, on Sammy’s computer desk, and at the zoo (don’t ask).


5. Sammy loves…
a. to see two groups of idiots who have no idea what really goes on in the entertainment field battling it out for the love and adoration of a group of emotionally needy, life-lacking, zombie-like, immature, probably overly conservative and horny mailbox watchin’ wannabes.
b. working in LA and NYC (coast to coast nook) and a good glass of California wine
c. knowing that as the publishing-as-we-know-it apocalypse looms, there will still be a scramble among those who think they know what is going on to convince their now angry believers they weren’t full of shit all along. I want popcorn for that movie.
d. All of the above

6. Sammy likes to spend his time…
a. making love, not war
b. venting on his blog when he’s not getting laid or selling something
c. waiting for the day when the whole damn literary system as we know it (or in most cases, as people think they know it) folds up and goes away, and all the newbies find some other hobby to keep them from focusing on their sad, miserable lives, allowing publishing to be reborn and progress without all the sludge clogging the pipelines. Maybe blogging. Or porn.
d. All of the above, and happily

7. Scenario: Sammy meets a beautiful woman who says her name is Sasha at a party given by a close friend and they hit it off immediately. He takes her back to his place, and they have a little wine and make a little small talk before heading to the computer desk. Suddenly, in the midst getting down to business (Psst, dum-dums, I mean s-e-x), Sasha pulls away and, breathing heavily, says, “Sammy, I haven’t been honest with you. I really like you, and I think you should know that I am really a man.” Sammy’s reaction is…
a. At least he’s not a wannabe.
b. Dave? Is that you?
c. Really, Snark, you’re a lot more feminine than you give yourself credit for.
d. All of the above

Score: Here are the answers, for you reprobates who honestly can’t figure it out. They are all d, as in dumbfucks.

I think I will go start my own little organization, of which I will be the only full member. I will have lots of associate members, whose dues will keep me afloat (hey, that’s how writer’s organizations all work, isn’t it? Writer’s conferences, too. Or anything with the word “writer” in it, for that matter). It will be called Sammy’s Fully-satisfied Women’s Association, and we will have a Canon of Ethics and a section on our website with names of men who haven’t satisfied women lately. Of course, I will take complaints from members and tell my followers that I help the FBI track down low-lifes who promise and then don’t deliver orgasms. Wow, what a concept. I have to go now. I think I need to work on a logo. And a theme song!

Heh heh heh.--Sammy

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Why You Should Never Fuck on a Computer Desk

I can think of one good reason: You will lose the masterpiece that you were getting ready to post on your blog.

Yep. I didn’t have computer safe sex, and now not only is all my work lost (how her **** hit that delete key I will never figure out) but my F keys are sticking. So now you get a quicky instead of the longer, more desired read you so desperately need. Pant, pant.

Oh well, at least I don’t have prison fantasies like one of my loyal commenters (You know who you are, DK).

Just a response in reference to some comments on my last post and then I will go off on another tangent. How many times do I have to say this? Some people in this business are not out to amass a gaggle of followers for the money, although that is one of the biggest motivators. They want power. Lots of power. And then they can do whatever they want and make publishing whatever they want because their minions will spread out through cyberspace like a plague and beyond, spreading their “truth” and backing down any nay-sayers. This is how it works in all aspects of entertainment, so it is not that unusual. Just annoying. Their names on the lips of everyone, or so they believe, and that translates into book sales, baby, book sales. From wannabes, mainly. If you are looking for altruism in the publishing industry, you are on a sad and fruitless journey, my friend. Woe is you. Woe is you.

And don’t forget, just because Snarkalina and friends (hint) haven’t published books yet doesn’t mean that they won’t. I can just see the whole pathetic production now, including giddy fans and even my long-awaited “I told you so” post. However, I do have to give Snarky just a little credit. She has built a huge following, indeed, which is quite a feat for someone like her. She could actually come out and do a book deal and I bet she wouldn’t lose any fans at all, even though, technically, that would prove that I was right about her and…well, her, anyway, using the blog to build up a fan base for just that very purpose. But who am I to say anything? Just little ol’ Sammy She-Bammy with a terribly wicked grin. Hey, if Dr. Phil can nearly cripple people with diet and exercise, I am sure Snarky could continue to abuse writers under her real name and they would eat it up, making her the Oprah of the Wannabe Kingdom. Just what the world needs—yet another addition to the ranks of the pundits. Can’t wait for that shit.

Along those lines, someone (okay, a bunch of someones) commented and e-mailed that I offer nothing to writers but negativity, which is absolutely not true. Everything you need to know is right here in this blog, and if you don’t get it, at least get a clue that you’re a dumbfuck.

That’s all the cynicism I can spare for now. Besides, I think, from the look on my little darlin’s face, that it looks like I might have to buy a brand new keyboard tomorrow.

With a wink and a smile--Sammy

Friday, October 06, 2006

Enough Already!

Enough!

I am sick and tired of the articles posted everywhere about scamming agents and shady agents and incompetent agents and so on. I just read through one that someone sent me, written—AGAIN—by someone who is completely unqualified to write about the subject of agents at all. And no, I am not talking about the folks at Writer Beware or P&E, although they fall in that crowd too.

Some wannabe writer went around and did interviews with several folks who were supposedly “in the know” about all the bad things agents to do poor wittle wannabe writers. Nobody interviewed me. Maybe they thought that I didn’t care, because I don’t. They didn’t have an agent write it. They didn’t ask the AAR to write it either. Nor did they write about the dirty rotten things that writers do to agents and to each other, the things that so-called publishing “professionals” do to writers, and the things that publishers do to writers. Do you know how many times I have saved a writer’s ass from some ridiculous (or vindictive) thing some editor from one of the publishers that every conniving little wannabe wants to get published by has tried to pull? (Yes, that’s a convoluted sentence, but I don’t give a fuck. Read it twice if
you have to.)

I see it all. I see how writers and agents and publishers manipulate and are manipulated by each other. It isn’t pretty. Neither is the movie business—the dramatic arts industry—but for some reason my expectations are lower and their bullshit is even easier to spot. I guess a guy trained in NYC is no match for the uppity snots I deal with now. California pussies. They worry too much about being thin. Combine that with the dumb, easy broads and I’m a happy b-o-y in C-A.

Anyway, where are the articles about the dirty doings at S&S or HarperC? Where are the naughty notes from the meetings between writers who firmly intend to screw an agent out of his hard-earned cash? Think it hasn’t happened? It has. For some reason, once the check arrives, the writer suddenly is overcome with a pang of regret that 15% has been carved out for the guy who got the jack-off his deal. After all, why did he need an agent in the first place? His work is magnifique! The first client who verbalized this to me was, shall we say, let go. More like I told him to go fuck himself. In the early years, I had writers query me because they wanted to have a bunch of queries out, and then when I showed interest and started reading the ms, I would get a call that the writer had decided to go with someone else. My time had been wasted while some prick who knew darn good and well he was going to sign with someone else just wanted a little more of an ego boost by having two agents (or more) interested in his work.

Enough!

That also about sums up my position on the morons who are bilking other morons by supposedly publishing, either via blog or book or website or pamphlets dropped over Iraq, advice on how to get published. Yes, that includes Evil Editor, Miss Snark, Writer Beware and so on. All of those touchy-feely superheroes who claim to offer the keys to publishing success—which usually come out with the emphasis on there is possibility that you will get published and little time given to the fact that the possibility ranges in the zillion-to-one range—screwing writers just as much as the guy with multiple fraud convictions who carries condoms everywhere he goes.

I have gotten dozens of e-mails on the situation with Evil Editor—what’s my take on it? What do you mean, what’s my take on it? I have posted on this before. This is just another way that the lower echelon of publishing “professionals” can cash in on the dumbfuck population of wannabes who will buy anything that guarantees success in an industry that requires more than just being able to type to make it. These quasi-professional types are one step above wannabes; it doesn’t matter if they work at a major house or have published a dozen NYT bestsellers or that the President conferred an award upon them that states, “This here publishin’ profeshunal dun good werk and we’s xtreemly prowd o’ ‘im.” All that matters is that the person is using writers to his/her own advantage. Yet no one says a word. It’s all in their names, too—snark, evil, beware, predators, etc. Someone should start an agency and call it something like Scammers International Literary Agency. It would be a huge success. And on that note…

Enough.