A Gent's Outlook

A Literary Agent Divulges the TRUTH about Publishing

Sunday, July 30, 2006

Californication, Doood!

From the spastic e-mails I get, I can see that while I’ve been gone, AW has rapidly degraded to what it was before the Great Shit Filter In The Sky swooped down and removed it from the World Wide Web. It’s a damn shame it couldn’t have been permanent. The too short time that it was down had both great and very bad effects on the rest of us who are reasonably sane. The good effect was that some of the trash that clutters the web was cleared for a while, but on the bad side it allowed the crazies that normally get their fixes by feeding on each other’s egos to roam the internet without a leash and a trainer and allowed some of them to write shit on my blog.

Then there’s the Miss Snark crap: I could care less about this twit. Of course I know her secrets, and I'm not talking about her identity. Given my track record, I’ve probably slept with her. Did I say I’d reveal her name? Fuck no. Do I give a shit if people comment here on who she might be? Fuck no. You should see the comments I don't post. Woo-hoo. If I did give Snarkopolis one for the Gipper, that’s like screw and tell and I’ll never be guilty of that, even indirectly due to copulatory amnesia (which means she probably sucked in the sack, and not the good kind of suck either). That’s so high school. Oh, wait a minute you guys probably do that--screw and tell. Right. I forgot. I may be an asshole, but I, at least the last time I checked, made it through puberty. Some of us, I won't mention names (wannabes and watchpuppies among others), have not. Yet. What a long time to wait for reality to set in.

The only reason I even mention Snarky-poo’s name on my blog is to have some fun with wannabes. You guys are so easy and I know that every time I push one of your key word buttons, you’ll respond. You’re just like monkeys. Feed you a key word and you push the yellow button—how dumb for such a supposed smart flock of scammer experts and future best-selling writers of America. It’s no wonder scammers constantly outsmart the lot of you. Of course, by your definition, ol’ Sammy is a scammer. But I think you and your type somehow have confused scammer with entrepreneur. Folks who work for nothing are called suckers and those who charge for their labor are called businessmen and women. Wannabes, of course, fit into the sucker category—sorry. Companies like Writer’s Digest print the same advice so-called experts hand out for nothing (of course it’s more accurate) and writers pay for it. There is a difference.

Now for something important: As for where I’ve been, I’ve been prospecting for gold in California. Not that gold, stupid, modern gold. Personally, I’m tired of the New York scene and decided to try a new group of phonies out for a while. At least everyone, including Californians, know they’re phony. New Yorkers, on the other hand, are still in the illusionary stage and will only admit phony when caught in the act.

There is a great boom going on out here and I have been asked several times to be a part of it. I’ve made my bones--and jumped quite a few, too-- so to speak and besides that the women are prettier and not so Goddamn neurotic. Do you know how many hot babes moved to California in the ‘60s because they thought they could make it in the movies? Most did the titty bars for a while, found themselves a beach surfer-dood, settled down and popped out some fabulous-looking daughters. I’m finding I like it California.

Anyone want to buy a successful New York literary agency?