A Gent's Outlook

A Literary Agent Divulges the TRUTH about Publishing

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Tidbits for Those Hungry for the Truth

I have been working my ass off lately, so I haven’t had time to vent. I have to admit that I miss it. There is nothing like blowing off some steam at the end of a long working day, or just getting blown. What relief! (You sick fuckers who read this blog all the time knew the blowjob joke was coming, didn’t you?)

Because I am short on time, I just wanted to throw out some tidbits, or rather, idiot bits. Just some random thoughts to post so people won’t think I’ve disappeared and to irritate those who want me to just go away. Remember, the truth shall set you free.

Here we go…

First up, the irony of this entire thing is that I really am a literary agent, and I really know publishing. I helped build it, and it is mine. Sorry, Snark.

Now, let’s talk about Ann “I will write anything obnoxious to make a buck” Coulter, who is one of the few women on the planet that I wouldn’t have sex with even if she paid me exorbitant amounts of money and offered to blow me for the rest of my natural life and a few years beyond. While I don’t agree with her remarks about the 9/11 widows, I think there is something to be learned from this. Did anyone else notice that the widows were all WASPY women? Did anyone notice a lack of minorities in the mix there? Don’t tell me that none of the people who clean the bathrooms, mop the floors, and empty the trash in the towers were all late that morning. They couldn’t have been. Where are their families? Did anyone see the coverage just after 9/11 where the WASPY widow was talking about how easily she secured assistance, and across the table, some very ethnic folks were saying they could never get through to find out what to do? There was no help for them, they said, but WASPY said that she had no problems. So everything thing was okay.

No, it’s not okay. Minorities in this country are seriously fucked from birth, as are white lowerclass folks. This is especially true if you labor for a living. Why? Minorities are never taught how to deal with bureaucratic crap, but white folks learn from birth to bitch and complain and who to bitch and complain to. If WASPY goes to the Red Cross and stamps her little Prada-clad feet, the American public is behind her 100%. Poor WASPY won’t be able to afford Calvin Kleins for little Juliet anymore. If Maria walks in and stamps her feet because her baby needs formula, they think she’s doing the Mexican hat dance and clap along until they realize she’s serious. Then she’s deported or led off to jail. Or, sadly, simply ignored. How many minority families ended up with anything? We never hear about them or see them on Larry King. And sorry if any of the 9/11 widows consider themselves minorities, because they aren’t. When hubby works for a big company making 100K+, your status as a minority is revoked. Think about it. You don’t need Ann Coulter’s lameass book to figure it out. Just open your eyes…

And on that note—Dave, man, get some glasses. Call 1-800-GET-A-CLUE. Do something. You left those places for a reason? Could it be you were pushed out by the Amazons? Good God, man, I like tough ladies too once in a while, but Jesus Christ! I value my balls. You seem like a nice enough guy, a little misguided, but not full of evil intent. But you tow the party line just a little too fiercely.

How very John McCain of you.

However, it hasn’t worked for John, and it didn’t work for you. He has his Bush to deal with, and it looks like you have a whole hedge. Who is the only one who didn’t get a book deal out of this? You. Who gets pushed out of all the groups because he dares to dissent and possibly even say something reasonable? You. Who started the watchdog shit in the first place, as fucked up of an idea as it was? You.

You know, Dave (Can I call you Dave, Dave? It would mean a lot to me), you always have a place here at SammyK’s, unlike that McDonald character (who was literally voted off the island), even though I didn’t get one of those nifty little graphic logos that expresses P&E’s undying support and gratitude for being a soldier for the cause (not that I would post it, but I would always treasure it, Dave).

And speaking of treasure…what a nice little party we have going on in wannabe writerland. AW is back up and all is right in the wannabe world. We all knew that would happen. Cockroaches are hard to eradicate, too. You can pat fannies until your fingers go numb and sing each other’s praises until you go hoarse. But the real treasure lies strictly in the name recognition. Sometimes greed isn’t about money, but power. Everyone magically gets a book deal. And even though Snark is not supposedly part of the watchpuppy parade, what the hell do you all think she’s been angling for all this time? And who’s been helping her? I think if you check Snarkalina’s site-y-poo, you will start connecting the dots. She’s been sloppy for quite a while, and so there are clues to her identity and to the theme of this little party (one to which YOU were not invited). You only need look at the links and some posts to figure it out. Everything points in one direction and it isn’t up. And it’s not too pretty, either. Ouch.

Speaking of up, will the sale of the head AWer’s book go up or down, do you think? My professional opinion? First, if you are going to publish a book about scammer agents, how about getting a real agent to write the damn thing? Instead of some nonfiction writer who needed a pal to complete the mission? But the publisher was going by the “success” and “name recognition” of AW, and apparently overlooked the lack of QUALIFICATIONS that the authors had. So, the book would have never been published in the first place if I had been in charge. No the “anyone can do it” attitude applies to everyone. Wannabe writers think this is super, but unfortunately, that means that a writer much more qualified just lost a job to someone who is supposedly fighting for that writer’s rights. Does this connect with what I have said before? That the only people who benefit from watchpuppies is the bowwows themselves? Could it be?

By the way, word has it that perhaps the publisher was looking to do a little damage control. Caught doing a little research to see what was being said about said book maybe? Wouldn’t you? I mean if you published a book and then the author’s credibility comes under fire? Maybe an intern at the house asked stupidly, “Umm, why didn’t you ask an agent to write the book? Maybe an AAR member?” That intern’s name is probably Dave.

I have to go for now. This is too much fun, and I have work to do.

Adios Amigos and Amigas,


  • At 10:26 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Who is Dave?

  • At 4:25 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Sorry, Sammy. Welcome to America. The only color barrier here is green.

  • At 5:34 AM, Blogger Unknown said…

    Sad truth, but true.


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