A Gent's Outlook

A Literary Agent Divulges the TRUTH about Publishing

Friday, March 31, 2006

An Offer I Can Definitely Refuse

Well, well, well…

I got an offer the other day that is the epitome of irony. One of the fullblown lameass editahs I have worked with in the past, let’s call him Dipshit, actually gathers up balls and writes Sammy-baby with an offer to turn his blog into a book. He has absolutely no idea who I really am. This is a complete asshole whose editing skills range in the nowhere zone. Why? Because all he does is buy surface shit, and he thinks that writers would buy a book full of my particular surface shit. Guess what I told him?

N-O F-U-C-K-I-N-G W-A-Y-.

There are many reasons for this. For one thing, did I mention that he is an asshole? For another, I already wrote a book about the publishing industry, and I am sorry I ever did. It may still garner big royalties, but it may also be encouraging wannabes.

What the hell? We all have skeletons in the closet. The difference between me and other bloggers is I fuck mine and tell everyone about it.

Eeewwwww!

But back to blookers. Yes, that is what they are called. Those lameass wannabes who write blogs, get an audience, and then get a book contract. They are also called one-hit wonders. The name-recognition game at its all time lowest.

I hate one-hit wonders. Their books stay on the shelves three months and disappear. It's like a one-night stand--unless you are like me and know what to do to make the most of it, it is a waste of time. I also hate blookers, who are wannabes with a mission. The mission is to get published and get attention. And to get rich.

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

I have never met a blooker who had anything to say beyond what he/she blogged about. A true professional writer has more than one book in the arsenal and has something to fall back on besides “people read my blog” or "Washington depends on me!" Sorry, Wonkette, Washington depends on the concierge at the really big hotel on the corner keeping his mouth shut, not your prurient gossip. Yes, folks, that it is what called when the primary source ain't you--gossip. Sorry, Wonky, but even though some people thought your satire held some hidden grains of truth and you made Newsweek, you aren't a Washington insider. Or outsider. And you sure as fuck aren't a novelist. You are just another failure whose fame as a blogger got you a book deal for too much money at Riverhead. I would laugh if your shit wasn't clogging up the pipelines just like every other wannabe.

So, I will NEVER write a book based on my blog. Don't ask, because I won't, and other bloggers, who are just people with opinions and extra time, shouldn't either.

Finally, as I have said before, my blog is my vent. It is not meant to do anything other than relieve any stress left over after I get laid. If people want to read it, they can log on and check it out for free. It will be that way forever.

One last thing…JF, you stupid prick, you should have changed clause 23.b. like I asked.

Dipshit.

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