A Gent's Outlook

A Literary Agent Divulges the TRUTH about Publishing

Friday, February 03, 2006

Dog Days

Well, well, well…

Sammy bows out for just a minute, and all kinds of things happen. I have been away from my blog for too long, but at least I was selling books. Sammy needs to vent, and, like a teenager who will hump a bike rack, I will take the opportunity to feel a release no matter how far removed from the real thing it is.

For example, I read on CNN today that drug smugglers are cutting open puppies and implanting liquid heroin in their furry little tummies as a smuggling technique. Am I the only one who immediately thought about reporting these fucking halfwits to PETA? Do you have any idea what those folks will do to them? These are people who can bypass security to get close enough to celebrities to toss fake blood (or maybe it’s real, who the fuck knows?) on them, so they can certainly hunt down and torture stupid fucks who use puppies—puppies!—to smuggle drugs. Say what you will about me, but I have never used a puppy to sell a book, or even get a date.

However, I bet at this very moment, some wannabe somewhere is already plotting to use a cute little puppy to get an editor's attention. I have, in the past, been sent pictures of dogs, cats, parrots, kids, and one time something that was possibly supposed to be a sketch of a naked woman, although with the glitter on the paper, it was hard to tell. Sending pictures of yourself or your family members, no matter how furry they are, only aggravates and irritates agents and editors. What are we supposed to do with these keepsakes, put them in a photo album? I'll tell you what I do, I pick a name out of the phone book, tuck those fuckers in an envelope, and mail away.

On second thought and back to my original idea, don't call PETA, call the soccer moms Marley always bitches about. These were Labrador puppies, considered the most adorable in yuppydom, and I have a feeling that Mrs. P.W. Jones, III, is not going to stand for any relative of her family pet being abused. Go get ‘em, you minivan ho's!

And then there is the death of chick lit. A bump in the literary road, but worth a mention nonetheless. Raise your hand if you didn't see that coming. I can't help myself, so that subject gets its very own post soon. Very soon, after I wipe the grin off of my face.



  • At 4:55 AM, Blogger Bernita said…

    PETA only goes after safe targets.
    You don't see feminists going after biker gangs, do you?
    No, only suits.

  • At 10:33 AM, Blogger David Niall Wilson said…

    Greenpeace are the ones with the guns, so to speak.

    Just found the blog, and still laughing over the post downstream about Publish America. Of course, you CAN pub a blurb from Ophrah on yoru book there, because they will send a copy in, get a form letter back, and clip something from that...

    I wish I thought it really cleared any of the arteries of the publishing process to shunt people to Lulu.com and Pulbish America, but sadly it barely slows them down...



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