A Gent's Outlook

A Literary Agent Divulges the TRUTH about Publishing

Monday, January 09, 2006

A Woman’s Place is in the Kitchen, Not in Front of the Typewriter

Well, here she is, folks. Marley is back and rarin' to go. She opens the birth of the new year with a post especially directed at those who give birth, or rather, those who give birth and then decide to become writers.

As usual, be forewarned that this is Marley we are talking about here, so expect a little profanity and a lot of sass.

And here she is...

Who the fuck are all these mommies who suddenly decide, after baby number four, that they want to write books? Fuck you, mommies! I am sick of your half-assed queries and your schmaltzy goddamn kiddy books. Writing is a real job with real responsibilities, not a hobby. I take books as seriously as you take mommyhood, but somehow you have the idea that you could be a writer without any training. Hey, just because you decided to become a state-sponsored brood mare doesn’t mean you can do anything except have babies, and most of you are fucking that up, too, because of your goddamn selfishness. You want examples?

I give you, first off, SUV’s, the spaceship of soccer moms everywhere. I always hear this “Well, my kids need to safe” shit, but I never hear anything about the mommies driving the little two-door Fords who get plowed into and killed by your “safe” SUV’s because you were distracted by little Jason setting his brother’s hair on fire with your hidden BIC lighter (husband mustn’t know we smoke or he won’t like us anymore). What about the rest of us who drive regular, non-gas guzzling cars? We aren’t supporting an economy that degrades and abuses women, but you are. And that wouldn’t be so bad if you would just stop sending me queries about little Bunny Loves to Hop who hurt his toe and cried—Jesus fucking Christ, people!

And these are the same clueless mommies who "um, just weren't sure" whom to vote for in the 2004 presidential election, so they voted for Dubya because he could protect their kids. Well, dizzlefitz, are you gonna vote for Marley in 2008? You should! I'm protecting your kids, too, but I keep them safe by making sure that your ridiculous story about Keirnan's Very Bad Day never makes it to the desk of an editor (because some editors are stupid soccer moms just like you and might actually publish the damn thing). SIDE NOTE: I can always tell the amateurs because they name characters in their books after their own children, and, sorry, but Ashlyn or Kylan or Madison or Neenan or whatever fucked up, mispelled (and unusal!) name you downloaded on your poor child usually makes a piss poor character name.

The only thing worse that mommies in SUV’s with pens is ministers, or people who claim to be ministers, men or women. They write these pieces of shit spirituality (which is more like spirituality according to whoever wrote the book…Bible references optional) and don’t understand why I don’t want to take it on. For one thing, I am not a gay-bashing, self-righteous, woman-hating egotistical hypocrite who thinks that s/he has a direct line to God—I leave that shit to George W. Bush. And contrary to the title of this piece, the only women who I really think belong in the kitchen are the dumbfucks who decided having five kids isn’t quite fulfilling enough—over-populating the earth never turns out the be what it is cracked up to be, does it?— and want to be adored, famous and rich writers. Hey, raising five tots is pricey these days, what with the price of oil and all.

The absolute worst is an SUV-driving minister mommy who tells the kids that they should love all people, because God does, except for the Jews and gays who will burn in hell, along with all the agents and editors who can't see that she is the next Dr. Suess.

Jesus fucking Christ, people!

Fuck you, Marley

2 Comments:

  • At 8:52 PM, Blogger Julia said…

    While your title pissed me off (probably that was your purpose). You are correct. All those soccer mommies should stop inundating agents and editors with their dreck.

    Because how can the agents and editors have time to read my masterpieces?

     
  • At 12:29 PM, Anonymous Susanne said…

    SIDE NOTE: "I can always tell the amateurs because they name characters in their books after their own children, and, sorry, but Ashlyn or Kylan or Madison or Neenan or whatever fucked up, mispelled (and unusal!) name you downloaded on your poor child usually makes a piss poor character name."

    I was torn between this and your "Christian" rant, but decided, in a post filled with wonderful gems of "tell it like it is" wisdom, this was your best line. Nicely done.

     

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