A Gent's Outlook

A Literary Agent Divulges the TRUTH about Publishing

Friday, December 16, 2005

Sammy's SAT Prep For Writers

For those of you smart enough to not have kids for whom you will spend approximately $2,000 on standardized testing materials so the little darlings can get into college and spend more of your money at the University's health center trying to explain to the doctor how the shot glass got stuck there, let me explain analogies. Simply put, these questions test your verbal acuity by evaluating your ability to connect words and discern the relationships in their meanings, or something like that. They look something like this:

turd:dog::______:faucet (When reading say, "Turd is to dog as blank is to faucet.")

Here are your options: pickles, orange, water, hairspray. Take a minute to pick your answer...

La la la la la la la
La la la la LA la la la la
etc.

Did you pick "water"? YES! The answer is water because a turd is something that comes out of a dog, and water is something that comes out of a faucet. Good job! Now you are ready for my weekly entry in Sammy's SAT Prep For Writers. Here we go...

1. the idea that Jesus had a kid:Dan Brown’s DaVinci Code :: blow job lips:_____________

Did you say "Angelina Jolie’s career"? If you did, you get a point. If not, you suck as much as those lips could if they wanted to. The connection: The idea that Jesus banged Mary Magdalene and had a kid is the driving force behind Dan’s best-seller book. The idea intrigues and beguiles and--dare I say it?--titillates. It sure isn’t his writing that woos readers, but the idea of something exotic and forbidden, no matter how dorky. Who gives a flying fuck if Jesus pro-created? The same thing goes for Angie’s lips. The driving force behind her career is those lips and the imaginations of every casting agent out there, as if she would give them any. If you look any further you'd find a skinny, almost scrawny, gal with big titties and a smirk. And don’t give me any shit about her “humanitarian” endeavors and how I shouldn’t pick on her. You want to be a humanitarian? Give all your billions you made off of pretending(?) to fuck girls to the relief effort, then you are a humanitarian. The same thing goes for Dan. Wanna promote religion instead of exploit it? Do something good with all the zillions you got off of people who bought your drivel thinking it would lead to some kind of enlightenment.

Didn't get this one? Well, there will be other challenges to come. Study up!

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