A Gent's Outlook

A Literary Agent Divulges the TRUTH about Publishing

Monday, May 21, 2007

Ding Dong the Witch is Gone

Well, I’ll be damned! Miss Snark, the faux agent, has finally had enough. One post from me, and she gets out of Dodge! Not really. But you can bet a book deal is on the horizon and you can bank on that. So said Sammy months ago. You just don’t walk off stage while still queen unless there is something else going on. Sammy has said for years that she would do one of two things: Reveal herself or get an offer. Can’t wait to see how she tries to worm her way out of this one.

I know it seems strange that Sammy disappeared and then off goes Snark, but that means nothing. Nothing at all. I mean, you don’t think it could mean anything, do you? What a coincidence! Sammy reveals he’s gotten hitched, and suddenly Snark decides to go on hiatus. Could she have been, you know, in love with Sammy? Was she devastated? Or maybe Snark was Sammy. No, I know that’s not so. I know Sam, and he’s the real deal through and through, but…

Oh my God, you don’t think that…

No, this could not be possible…

You don’t think that Mrs, Sammy Kitzler is actually. . .

Snark Kitzler!?!

Wouldn’t that be funnier than shit? I’ve never met his bride, but I do know that even though she told Mr. Follow-My-Dick-Wherever-It-Leads that she's not in publishing, she could have lied. Snark lied all the time. What do you think?

You know what’s funny? It hasn’t made such a big deal that she’s left. There were no parades in her honor that I know of. Is everyone in shock? Doesn’t this say something real loud about wannabes? Their hero leaves and the world goes on without her. I’d say that what Sammy has said all along is true: Wannabes are selfish assholes and deserve to rot in recycled ink (most of which is the result of their rejected manuscripts anyway). Think of all the trees that go into appeasing their vanity. Disgusting.

I kind of take the sorrowful lack of print on this development from what Pub Rants said today. Kristen Nelson—a huge devotee of Snark who should actually know better— devoted maybe a line or two on her blog to how she wished that she could say what Miss Snark could get away with saying. Well, Kristin, if you had anything going for you, you could say what the fuck ever you wanted to say. What do you care if writers do or don’t like you? What? Will they snatch your IPod away?

Yes, Snark will be missed—like jock itch or a sore tooth. Speaking of which, I need to go scratch my testicles (for you wannabes, that means BALLS).

PS I know you all thought Sammy would come running back for this, but the last time I talked with him, he was still laughing.

Monday, April 30, 2007

The spark that is Snark

Sammy is a wreck. If love does that to a perfectly screwed up human, then I’ll always be single. So this is my first post and he kind of gave me free reign to do what I want to with his blog—within reason—and his reason, as he has repeated time and time again is that he just don’t give a fuck. So here’s what we are going to do.

First of all, here on Agents Overdrive—Outlook, what the fuck ever---we’re going to give do a kind of Carlos Mencia, a true rundown on my take on other agent’s blogs, which, for the most part are pathetic. Let the fun begin with the queen—Missy Snark—and we’ll work our upward from down there. For those of you who have never been on the Queen’s blog, don’t bother unless you fall below the rank of wannabe and there is no animal or mineral lower, so you’d have to be a space creature, and I don’t want to by felt up by some asshole’s eye tentacles.

As for me, who am I? Let’s just say that I’m in publishing and let it go at that. I’m actually further into publishing than most of the subliminal assholes that I’m going to be paint-stripping here, let’s say.

Let the fun begin:

Miss Snark, who the fuck are you? Who the fuck cares? It seems, from my mild somewhat un-objective observation platform that, according to her, a million or so reality TV wannabes have visited her site. My question is, why? Is it because her worshipers have nothing going on in their lives? Do they think that an invisible faux wannabe agent goddess might be just the thing to fall down in front of? Better to fall down in front of the Midtown express. It seems to be kind of like the invisible god—the almighty and powerful omniscient being who rips you asunder only to pick you up, dust you off and make you right again. Woooo!! How pathetic!!

How can anyone who is somewhat conscious and whole think that this attention-seeking tart could be anything but one of these: A pizza delivery person who reads a lot or a Bayonne, New Jersey prostitute who has plenty of free-time. You tell me which because either will fit. But why should anyone with have a brain care?

It’s the way of the world that so many can be deluded into thinking this being is an agent. I ask you one thing while my sides heal from laughing so much, “Who are her clients?” Has anyone thought that here is a person who is supposed to be running a literary agency, which, according to her, is quite successful? But if he, she, its literary agency is successful, how come he, she, it has so much time to read slop and post comments on a blog? An example of a successful literary agent comes to mind. Have you noticed, for instance, that Jennifer Jackson posts about once a month and then only a short paragraph? Or has this escaped your pea-brains?

If this creature is an agent, I pity her poor clients. Those who patronize her slop and goo-goo, ga-ga all over themselves over it and themselves are supposed to be writers. How do you have spare time to even go there either? Aren’t you supposed to be writers? Whoops, how silly of me. Of course you’re not writers, you’re silly-assed wannabes. What difference does it make that she’s screwing her clients every hour of the day as long as she’s entertaining you? But those of you that do have a conscience, how would you like her representing your interests? Answer that one and maybe, before this is over, we can be friends.

As for me, I’m not an agent. I work on someone else’s dime so I, like you, can fuck off all day until I’m caught. But why should I worry? Hell, if this blog takes off like Snark’s, I will snag a book deal. Ah, I get it now. She took off this week to finalize her deal—and you shills are responsible. Give yourselves a good pat on the back—and one on the ass for old Miles here.

Miles Standoffish

Adios, Dipshits!

Sorry for the long absence, but I’ve been busy doing what most wannabe writers and watch puppies don’t have the sense enough to do…have a life. I found me a woman and we got hitched. Yep, that’s right. Sammy got roped into another com, er, committttt, uh, you know, the “c” word. The legal kind. I think this time it might last, since she’s not a complete bitch and knows nothing about publishing. She also doesn’t realize I am rich beyond her wildest dreams and basically thinks I’m the best lay she’s ever had, even without the vibrators and edible underwear.

I like her and California a lot more than NYC, a city that is an awful mistress. Cali is more laid back. People out here are not in such a big hurry go no place. Besides, I did two big deals that will keep me busy walking along the beach trying to avoid over-sexed sea birds for a very long time.

Still, I’d love to write more on this blog. Just because I’m practically out of the game doesn’t mean I don’t care if the game is taken over by idiots and dipshits. Wannabe writers, stupid editors, and the dumber and dumber watch-puppies are not off of the hook yet. It was quiet for a while, but there is no end to the evil that wannabes do. Even Vicki-Voo Voo and her watch dorks know it, because she’s actually provided a link on one of her posts to this blog. She doesn’t have the balls to discourage the wannabes and lose her status, so she sends them here hoping this blog will do it. I told you these people were lazy.

I’ve asked a good friend to take over for me. He’s going to post his first, so see what you think. His name is Miles Standoffish, but you can call him Andy. Or Miles. Whatever. He’s a hell of a guy, but if he gives you any trouble, just come get me at the beach. I’ll be the one rolling around in the sand with a beautiful woman who is not a writer, editor, agent, publisher, or writer advocate of any kind. She’s actually quite normal when she takes her meds, so that disqualifies her from publishing all the way around, doesn’t it?

Anyway, if you don’t like what Andy posts and can’t find me picking sand out of my underwear to complain, then, as Marley would say, go fuck yourself!!

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Total Rant

What have you done?

You are a miserable lot, aren’t you? Those of you who truly believe that you belong in the publishing world so that you can create the empire that is you and be worshipped and adored by admiring fans even after you cease to exist on this planet. It isn’t good enough to be a decent, hard-working law-abiding citizen. No, you want the free and easy existence that wealth brings, with all the perks and power, but none of the sacrifice. You have allowed your own needs to override those of everyone else and quashed the greater good with a press of a computer key, all because you needed to feel important.

God, how did it get so bad? How?

I am sure you thought you’d seen the last of Sammy-baby, didn’t you? Well, you haven’t, not as long as there are wannabes and wannabe enablers in the world. My job won’t be done until someone—anyone—realizes what a pack of lies dictates the “new” publishing paradigm (look it up if you don’t know what it means dum-dum).

And it is lies and bullshit, and that is why I exist. The one true voice who tells you publishing doesn’t NEED you or WANT you. The one true voice who has said all along that being published is a huge responsibility that only certain people, those who have prepared themselves and write well, deserve. The one true voice that pointed out that those who don’t know what they are doing shouldn’t be telling others how to get published or how to avoid scams. Who told you that one day wannabes would cause things to end badly for the rest of the writers who might, although probably not, have a chance?

I did.

But everyone tried to discredit me, although I have hit on a number of issues and been proved correct every time. You will believe some anonymous dingbat working her Dr. Phil mojo on you with bizare and incestuous ties to the watchers, and you are more than willing to query agents who regularly get their own books published instead of their clients', but you won't believe me. Once again, though, I am vindicated, and my proof is in the form of an article from the Chronicle about the Sobol Award.

Oh my God, what have you done now?

You know how the minute this award was announced the watchpuppies and so-called professional agents (my ass) jumped on it because of the requirements and an entry fee of $85? That award got blasted all over the place, because wannabe writers have been weaned on the notion that they should never ever have to spend any of their hard-earned cash (sure, Jake Do-Gooder, I believe you deserve that raise you trampled on your friends in Corporate Americaland to get…sure…you earned it) or expend anymore effort than necessary to have someone else land that special seven-figure deal (six just isn’t good enough these days) for a lousy 15%. It must be a scam! We have to save those poor little writers from their own stupidity! Stop that lousy scammer!

Writers everywhere said the same thing: That guy is making $85 an entry, and he’ll make $___________(fill in your amount here) for just doing nothing. And that outraged writers everywhere! How dare this guy make money for doing nothing! I wanna make money for doing nothing! How do they know he does nothing? Because that’s what all agents do, didn’t you know? Wannabes really believe (and have been taught) they only need an agent because S&S won’t look at their manuscript otherwise. We are just evil blood-suckers who prey on the talent of helpless writers who are at the whims of those big, important publishers who have this silly ridiculous rule that they don’t want to see your shit unless someone with a brain sees it first. And you are so jealous because you think agents have nothing better to do than sit around all day reading queries and praying that they’ll find the next JK Rowling or getting laid at conferences. Why should you, as a writer, have to work when this agent just dibbles his time away? NOBODY SHOULD EARN MONEY THAN I DESERVE DOING WHAT I WANT TO DO! That is real issue here, isn’t it? You want to live the good life and think that agents have it made, don’t you? Jealous, jealous, jealous. Hell, editors think that, why not stupid writers? You are all so jealous that we agents have actually carved out a place among you, holding publishers’ feet to the fire and forcing writers to just shut up and goddamn write something instead of whining.

So a whole culture has sprung up to empower anyone who puts pen to paper, and the guardians of this culture (watchpuppies, incompetent industry professionals who perpetuate this crap, other authors) have become so caught up in their “mission” that they have failed to realize that their actions have basically closed every road open to new, talented writers. They have effectively leveled any chance a writer might have had to break in by making up their own set of standards that are based on nothing more than the idea that writers are gods. Unfortunately, that system doesn’t work and takes good writers down with the bad.

The Sobol Award is a perfect example of this. I don’t know if the guy is a scammer or not. I don’t care. Scammers are the wolves who thin out weakest of the herd; they have their purpose. Like viruses. I don’t like them or seek them out either, but they exist and keep the population under control or we would have more wannabes than we do now. Ick.

This guy gets this award together and then, as expected, gets blackballed on every writer’s board and the usual smear campaign got posted on the Internet, just as everyone knew it would. Some were upset about the contractual obligations, mainly that the guy in charge would be your agent blah blah blah. But it was the entry fee that everyone deeply resented. Must be a scam. Even the dipshit who wrote the article was wrong about it. He stated that “Industry policy prohibits agents from charging money to read manuscripts.” The problem here is that an entry fee is NOT A FUCKING READING FEE. Entry fees usually go for paying judges, offering prize money, and processing the goddamn entries.

Then they bring S&S on board. Yes, that publisher who won’t normally look at anything unless it comes from agent actually signed on to publish the top three winners, for a lot of money. Well, a lot of money to you anyway. But that wasn’t good enough. Let me tell you, those writers who whined that they didn’t want their precious book to be under a strict contract to S&S like that were fools. Do you think you could ever net a book deal from S&S for what they were willing to pay on your own? Even without this guy’s commission? Not in this life, champ.

But Sammy, they would have taken all rights and I could get more for them than that elsewhere. First of all, no you couldn’t, dipshit, and second of all, you don’t have a great novel just lying around you can send them and say bye to it? You don’t have spare masterpieces that you could sell for money? Why not? Professional writers, people with talent, have good books lying around that are strong enough to send in and maybe even win—they get the cash and who gives a shit about the book?—and they can write another one and another one. Professional writers have more than one book in them, and the quality of their first drafts is better than the fiftieth draft from most of the wannabes. Some smart writer could have worked the system right in his favor and still come out ahead.

But, darn it, $85 was just too much of a risk. ($100,000-15% commission=$85,000 dollars and $85,000-$85 entry fee=$84,915)

Some poor wannabe just lost some cash. What if it is was you and this was the only publishing credit you were ever going to get? I bet you're feeling pretty sheepish right now, huh? Now maybe the wannabes will turn on each other and their gurus, those leaders that even lemmings wouldn't follow.

The article contained this quote: "Maybe the message is that unpublished writers have been exploited in so many different ways that it's difficult to launch an effort, regardless of whether it's in good faith or not," said Paul Aiken, executive director of the Authors Guild, which represents thousands of published writers. "Charging people is fundamentally suspect and it's hard to overcome that."

That says it all. Look at what you have done, you stupid, stupid wannabes. Look what you have done to MY industry. And that includes the new breed of editors and the old breed of watchpuppies, the authors who promote this stuff, and anyone in the industry who won’t speak out against you people because they are too inexperienced to know any better or too solicitous to care that they are promoting bad habits in the wannabe kingdom, as if merely existing isn’t bad enough.

People who don’t give a shit about you tell you what you want to hear; those who tell you the truth, as unpleasant as it may be, are the ones who truly care, if not about you, then about something.

Think about that for a little while, wannabes, and happy fucking new year.

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

The Great Debate That Really Isn't

Okay, so I post about something that is actually IMPORTANT in publishing, and all I get are e-mails asking me about the Snark/Anne Stuart thing. As if I care. As if anyone in the real publishing world cares.

You want my take on it? Here it is: Finally, someone (Jennifer “I can’t stop writing chick-lit though it’s dead” Crusie) in publishing who uses her real name and who has clout with the wannabe crowd has basically said what I have said all along. Snark is full of shit. She makes statements that make it obvious that she doesn’t really understand publishing and how it works. I don’t care if she’s in it or not, she doesn’t “get” it. The biggest clue is that she hangs with the watchpuppies and most agents could care less about watchpuppies and their drivel because it is just not part of the overall entertainment picture. You get scammed? Fuck you, wannabe. That’s just one more piece of goddamn slush that I don’t have to deal with. That’s what most insiders think. Big fucking deal. No one but a wannabe publishing power freak offers free advice to wannabes based on the idea that getting into publishing only requires desire and meeting certain standards created by the SFWA, like they matter any more than anybody else in the fucked up kingdom known as the Realm of Publishing.

As I see it, people across Cyberville are finally cluing in to the fact that Snark is mouthpiecing the core values propagated by the watchpuppies and their related industry outsiders. Other publishing people, LIKE ME, couldn’t give a shit less what anybody thinks except talented writers and the publishers who seek to exploit them. I have seen lots of comments, finally, from editors and other agents who are basically saying that Snark is on a very wrong tangent. She always has been, but nobody important said anything because SNARK JUST DOESN”T MATTER. Except to the minions she has created through her Dr. Phil Does Publishing persona. When she dipped into an area she really doesn't know anything about, she fell flat on her pretty little snout.

But the reason she matters to me is that she is one of many people who continue to encourage people to write for publication who should be writing for a hobby. So do the watchpuppies. So do the solicitous agents and editors feeding off of wannabes. These people are sucking the life from my industry, as I have mentioned many times, and my advice is for writers to go figure the fuck out what they think they are doing. Like any wannabe, their presence changes the dynamic of the entity to which they pledge their allegiance. And sometimes it is not for the best, dragging down those who buy into their bullshit. For example, I give you…

George W. Bush—President Wannabe
Judy Regan—Celebrity Publishing Wannabe
O.J. Simpson—Serial Killer Wannabe
Snark—Agent Wannabe
Dick Cheney—Human Wannabe
Arnold Schwarznegger—Android Wannabe
Michael Richards—Comedian Wannabe
Angelina Jolie—Activist Wannabe
Brad Pitt—I’m Fucking an Activist Wannabe
Paris Hilton—Celebutant Wannabe
Karen Hughes—Anybody Important Wannabe
Bill Frist—Doctor Wannabe (Seriously, after that whole Terri Schiavo thing, would you let him touch you?)
SammyK—Isabella’s Sex Slave Wannabe
George Clooney—Marriagable Material to Get Nook Wannabe

And I am not the only one who thinks these things. Here is part of an e-mail from a writer using the name The Casual Observer, who is probably a whacko freakazoid, but what the hell…

Who is the real Miss Snark? Is she or is she not a real agent? Who cares? Personally, I believe she is Jenna of Absolute Write fame. I think this because when AW was in trouble, Snark was right there defending those speaking out against the injustice of such a thing. How dare they do this and that!. Most of us, those of us with a brain anyway, where hoping it would stay shut down. Just so much more crap that no one cared about anyway—no one except Jenna and friends.

I have also noticed that each time anything watchdogerish is in the forefront that Miss Snark is right there, defending all those who might get scammed. In my opinion, the only folks concerned about getting scammed are wannabes, as you have testified to many times.

The bottom line is that I don’t agree that Miss Snark is Janet Reid. A real agent would care less about watchdogs. So whoever this person is they have to somehow be connected to Jenna, AW or the SFWA. My thinking right now is that Snark is either Jenna or Victoria Strauss. Why? Because of their very close ties to AW and SFWA. This is my guess. Anyone want to refute it?

I get this shit all the time. I also get stuff like this:

I think you’re a male chauvinist pig. I don’t think you have sex with anyone but yourself. I wouldn’t have sex with you if you were the last man on the planet.

And this…

Why don’t you have a pet like Miss Snark? Your blog would be so much better if you had a dog or something. Miss Snark has a Chihuahua and can prove it. (What?)

So, now that I have put my opinion to rest on this most recent pathetic excuse for a scandal, can we get back to whether News Corporation should have cancelled the O.J. book and interview? Think 1st amendment, people. Would we have burned those books if they had been published? Is censorship an issue real writers should worry about? Nah, they’re too busy reading Snark.

Not.